Friday, August 5, 2011

Twitter jokes for the week ending Sunday, July 17th 2011

Twitter jokes from @FunFlood for the week ending Sunday, July 17th 2011.
If you like one, favorite it. If it's really good, retweet!
  • Megan Fox #improvesexlifebybeinginmypants 11 Jul
  • The old lady with the soiled housecoat who lives downstairs with five cats #improvesexlifebybeinginmypants 11 Jul
  • At first I laughed about flunking my life lessons, but now I'm worried about getting expelled. 12 Jul
  • I'm grateful not to live in that alternate universe where Einstein became a famous proctologist after his anus mirabilis. 12 Jul
  • I follow so many people I need LifeCall for Twitter: "Help, I've fallen behind and I can't catch up!" 13 Jul
  • Had that nightmare again last night where I suddenly deflated. #ThatsHowIRoll 13 Jul
  • Chuck Norris may be getting on in years but he's still tough for an old guy -- his Depends are made of steel wool. 13 Jul
  • You rubes think that the wheel was such a great invention. Can it roll sideways? Well? #ThatsHowIRoll 14 Jul
  • I may be happy now, but I had a tough childhood. The neighborhood kids always wanted me to come out and play kickball. #ThatsHowIRoll 14 Jul
  • My doct:or diag:no:sed :me with spas:tic colon. 14 Jul
  • In the news: L.A. to require that pets be kept indoors this weekend; pet owners dread looming dogmageddon. 14 Jul
  • I have an awesome publicist. He set me up on Facebook by putting my headshot on the Post Office's wall. 14 Jul
  • For his birthday I'm getting my brother an LED Fleshlight so he can see what he's doing. 14 Jul
  • In the news: Judge's mistrial ruling gives Roger Clemency. 14 Jul
  • Wait, did I hear something about Mila Kunis dancing on a Marine's balls? 14 Jul
  • I long to see Mila's Kunis. I so long. 14 Jul
  • Nothing good ends with "prolapse". 14 Jul
  • Just before he offs them, the hitman will be creeping up on the Kardashians. 14 Jul
  • I'm sick of ersatz phoniness so I'm moving to L.A. for the genuine article. 15 Jul
  • Guys, is it narcissistic if I write fanfic about myself? 15 Jul
  • Does scientific thinking boost confidence? No, I dismiss compliments as false positives. 15 Jul
  • Being spherical, it's anatomically impossible for me to participate in this stupid planking fad. #ThatsHowIRoll 15 Jul
  • Courteous goodwill? An attractively polite manner of behaving? I guess her name doesn't fit Nancy Grace. 15 Jul
  • Ladies, just FYI, I'm a master of Ben Wa. #ThatsHowIRoll 15 Jul
  • Know what show I'd like to see? It would star a thug and be called "Beating up on the Kardashians." 15 Jul
  • I really don't like how vaginas have made vulvas go out of style. 15 Jul
  • Jennifer Lopez & Marc Anthony split. On leaving her husband, J.Lo said she was "tired of him hogging all the Pez." 16 Jul
  • Other cities endure construction projects lasting years but L.A. freaks out about Carmageddon, just 53 hours! What a bunch of drama queens. 16 Jul
  • My favorite meal starts off with creamed panties. 16 Jul
  • To avoid germs, tellers and cashiers should always wear gloves when handling Ke$ha. 16 Jul
  • How come no hip-hop peeps ever say "so homo?" 16 Jul
  • OK, I admit to stalking Mila Kunis, but I swear it's only because my Alliance guild needs a mage. #WoW #Warcraft 16 Jul
  • I got divorced because my wife was disloyal and fooled around on me. Next time I'll marry a Hufflepuff. #HarryPotter 16 Jul
  • I want to move to Texas and start a funny farm called "Wacko in Waco." 17 Jul
  • I don't care about her looks or personality, the only thing that matters is her performance between the tweets. 17 Jul
  • If they could digitally remove Voldemort's nose, couldn't they remove Paris Hilton's entire body from every movie she's been in? 17 Jul
  • Casey Anthony released from jail, to star in TV version of "Where's Waldo?" 17 Jul
  • A sure sign of the next Internet bubble will be Favstar's IPO. 17 Jul
  • Now that she's free, Casey Anthony's lawyer should tell her to shop somewhere other than Target. Just sayin'. 17 Jul
  • Um, I think I just heard this Frogurt say, "Ribbit." 17 Jul
  • I didn't fear intimacy before I saw The Vagina Dentata Monologues. 17 Jul
  • Baby, let me rototill your ladygarden. 17 Jul
  • No Facebook, Sherlock. #replaceshitwiththewordfacebook 17 Jul
  • I added all the Kardashians to my Facebook list. #replaceshitwiththewordfacebook 17 Jul
A Twitter feed of original jokes. Put some humor into your day with @FunFlood.
Studies show that laughter is healthy, so take time out for a cup of cheese, er, comedy!

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