Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Twitter jokes for the week ending Sunday, August 14th 2011

Twitter jokes from @FunFlood for the week ending Sunday, August 14th 2011.
If you like one, favorite it. If it's really good, retweet!
  • Guys, if you have to Axe, you'll never score. 8 Aug
  • I enjoy getting to know new people by testing to see which touches are inappropriate. 8 Aug
  • My cousin's an idiot; today he showed up wearing tights. He'd also stuffed a fish in the crotch—said it was his codpiece. 8 Aug
  • Eating McDonald's is like buying death on the installment plan. 8 Aug
  • Great, the market crashed, & since the US lost its AAA rating it can't even call a tow truck. So a jump start to the economy is right out. 8 Aug
  • Had a call from a headhunter for a position at Vivid Entertainment—on all fours. No, actually it was for Chief Perversity Officer. 8 Aug
  • Let he who is without aim cast the first stone at me. 9 Aug
  • C'mon Twitter, you should at least be able to get a 9 year old girl to scrawl a sign saying "No Bots Allowed." 9 Aug
  • Nickelback? More like Priceofthewholeticketback. 9 Aug
  • I got a new job at Hormel sending mass emails extolling canned meat products. 9 Aug
  • I insisted I was a Sociobiologist conducting field studies but the cops said I was just a voyeur. 9 Aug
  • A stupid woman gets her boobs done. A vain woman gets her nose done. A smart woman gets her brain done. 9 Aug
  • The last thing I recall was drinking that glass of cata tonic... 9 Aug
  • I've heard that if mauled by a bear you should play dead. But what if the bear's a necrophiliac? 9 Aug
  • Seize the carpet dime. 9 Aug
  • Got a 40 foot container for the backyard. The kids think it's a playhouse, but the lock's on the outside. 10 Aug
  • I was talking to a librarian who told me that her job had changed from re-shelving books to dusting them. 10 Aug
  • Got the pickup truck & trailer, now gonna buy some mowers, trimmers, and edgers and start a manscaping service. 10 Aug
  • Just imagine if J.K. Rowling had called him Harry Palmer... 10 Aug
  • A visit to Maine had me asking, "What's a Penobscot that I don't got?" 10 Aug
  • While I managed to annoy the crap out of it, I never made that lobster roll. 10 Aug
  • I was talking to my ex-wife when a pop-up appeared saying "CHEW THROUGH THE LEASH: Violate a restraining order!" #achievement 10 Aug
  • Years ago people kept catalogs in the outhouse for reading material. And for wiping. Today we use Facebook. 10 Aug
  • Ladies, tan lines are way sexy. They're like a highlighter for the naughty bits. 11 Aug
  • Timid people of the world, stay home! 11 Aug
  • My cousin's wife misunderstood hair extensions and now she's an extension cord Medusa. 11 Aug
  • A food scientist seeks the perfect emulsifier while his marriage grows stale for want of a spicy spread, next on Cheez Whiz Theatre. 11 Aug
  • I hate that some people say you can choose to be gay. I can't even manage a grin. 11 Aug
  • Anyone down to start a new website?—we upload pix of our poops and favorite the best dumps. 11 Aug
  • It's nice to know the USA is still #1 in some things, like FREEDOM!!!!! Oh, and prison population. 11 Aug
  • Hollywood reboots the seven dwarfs: Spacey, Pushy, Skeevy, Hateful, Horny, Cheesy, and Dumbass 11 Aug
  • Her boob job is so bad it's more like an internship. 12 Aug
  • My son's trying to choose a major for college next year. Is it Human Physiology or Mechanical Engineering to become a sex toy designer? 12 Aug
  • I opened my coat and a pop-up appeared saying "FLASH MOB: Expose yourself to a crowd of people!" #achievement 12 Aug
  • I bagged a dust boar that was hiding the refrigerator. 12 Aug
  • A guy told me he'd gonna give me the big break I've been hoping for! Or maybe it's about the money I owe him. 12 Aug
  • You're not completely deranged until you lose your stove. 12 Aug
  • Last time I had a checkup my doctor told me I had high air pressure. #ThatsHowIRoll 12 Aug
  • As a kid I'd clothespin baseball cards in my bike's spokes to make engine sounds. Now I've got muscle car sound effects for my Fiesta. 12 Aug
  • Who's this guy Fritz, and why is he under all the broken stuff? 13 Aug
  • If you're an attractive young heiress with daddy issues then I'm your unemployed older guy. 13 Aug
  • Why is it called toe jam? It tastes disgusting on toast! 13 Aug
  • I'll stop lowriding when I can afford a set of tires for the rims. 13 Aug
  • I'm taking some courses. When my son leaves for high school I start studying—his browser history. 13 Aug
  • You know what else doesn't work? Using a belt sander for a do-it-yourself dermabrasion. Or actually it works too well. 13 Aug
  • W.C. Fields liked children—fried. So why did he marry Mrs. Fields? She's a baker! 13 Aug
  • One time a pig got into the yard and tore through it like a bull in a butcher shop. We ate well that winter. 13 Aug
  • So glad I'll never be in the same room with Mila Kunis and Aubrey Plaza, since both my heads would explode. 14 Aug
  • When on extended dives members of the submarine service relax to the music of Air Supply. 14 Aug
  • My ex-wife once put me on a pedestal. Then she tied a rope around my neck and kicked the pedestal away. 14 Aug
  • I painted a big 'S' on its case so I'd have a supercomputer. 14 Aug
  • Son, someday this whole cesspool will be urine. 14 Aug
A Twitter feed of original jokes. Put some humor into your day with @FunFlood.
Studies show that laughter is healthy, so take time out for a cup of cheese, er, comedy!

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