Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Twitter jokes for the week ending Sunday, August 7th 2011

Twitter jokes from @FunFlood for the week ending Sunday, August 7th 2011.
If you like one, favorite it. If it's really good, retweet!
  • The plumbing in Octomom's house must get a workout. By the time the last kid finishes in the bathroom, the first one needs to go again! 1 Aug
  • Plastic wood, isn't that another term for dildo? 1 Aug
  • Nobody gets in my way when driving, thanks to the stolen "Student Driver" sign. 1 Aug
  • Do camels ever stub their toes? Asking for a female friend. 1 Aug
  • I'm going to an antiques auction to bid on a collection of Myspace accounts. 1 Aug
  • Dropped in on my hacker friend, but there was a sign on his door that said, "Gone phishing." 1 Aug
  • My cousin was moving an overturned bed—by crawling around beneath it. When I asked, he said, "Shut up, I'm bedridden!" 1 Aug
  • They should make an award for anyone who makes a joke about Chapstick without copying it. 1 Aug
  • If Mila Kunis bought the farm I'd still plow her furrow. 1 Aug
  • "Do it for the achievement" is the new "Close your eyes and think of England." 1 Aug
  • If dogs suddenly started to purr, cats might have to respond by learning to fetch. Or being nice. 2 Aug
  • With the bad economy I'd move back in with my parents, but there's no room in the crypt. 2 Aug
  • I'll be retiring to prison if I get another mailing from AARP. 2 Aug
  • Aww, my son has a new pet, how cute! Oh wait, she's a cougar? Then he's the pet. 2 Aug
  • I told my cousin to move to Alaska to mine Klondike bars, and he did! But he got revenge—made a bundle selling cold stone to the creamery. 2 Aug
  • Some people switch profile pics more often than I should change my underwear. 2 Aug
  • Don't you love that exhilarating rush you get when you're in a speeding subway car, groping? 2 Aug
  • My pal went hunting with his dog. He accidentally shot a homing pigeon and the retriever took it to Labrador. 3 Aug
  • Ahhh the old days, before sexting—back when girls needed Joe Francis to go wild. 3 Aug
  • Every week my older son scams my younger son out of his allowance. Serves me right for naming them Connor and Mark. 3 Aug
  • This winter I plan to heat my home with morning wood. Or at least the bedroom. 3 Aug
  • Look, just because I get aroused in subway cars doesn't make me metrosexual. 3 Aug
  • Told my uncle I was gonna use the Kickstarter website to get funded. He said, "Kickstarter? I'll give you a kick start, right in the ass!" 3 Aug
  • My ex-wife used to complain that I have too much spare time on my hands and too much spare tire on my waist. 3 Aug
  • Like I tell my son: Always wear a thinking cap if you're gonna think with the other head. 3 Aug
  • My younger son came crying because he'd been evicted from his in-game housing and all his virtual stuff was piled on the virtual street. 3 Aug
  • I'm not saying he's a messy eater, but we make Gandpa wear a wetsuit to meals. 4 Aug
  • Wait, I'm supposed to body groom and manscape until I'm a hairless wuss and then use a spray to turn me back into an animal? Screw that! 4 Aug
  • I hate it when just as I get used to and like a woman's hairstyle*, she goes and changes it. *avi 4 Aug
  • I was shopping when a pop-up appeared saying "Eeeuww B.O.: Send 10 people fleeing at the mall!" #achievement 4 Aug
  • I wonder what Pavlov conditioned his wife to do. 5 Aug
  • After 20 years Rip Van Halen wakes up, resumes touring 5 Aug
  • When not in high school my son's an online gamer. His favorites are OkCupid, EHarmony &, and he pwns on Ashley Madison. 5 Aug
  • Spencer Pratt would eat no phatt, His wife would eat no peen, And now so broke they both must work, To lick some toilets clean. 5 Aug
  • I wear a flak jacket whenever I go shopping near Target. 5 Aug
A Twitter feed of original jokes. Put some humor into your day with @FunFlood.
Studies show that laughter is healthy, so take time out for a cup of cheese, er, comedy!

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