Friday, August 5, 2011

Twitter jokes for the week ending Sunday, July 24th 2011

Twitter jokes from @FunFlood for the week ending Sunday, July 24th 2011.
If you like one, favorite it. If it's really good, retweet!
  • Why would you name your website to sound like a cleaning product, Spotify? 18 Jul
  • Thinking of getting a Porta-Potty so I don't have to clean the bathroom. 18 Jul
  • I feel so superior when I see a #FF for someone and they're already unfollowing me. 18 Jul
  • You just turned 10? #FourWordsBeforeSex 18 Jul
  • Let's get this done. #fourwordsbeforesex 18 Jul
  • When meeting someone, I make a bigger impression by using a grenade. 18 Jul
  • So You Think You Can Diet? #honestlynamedfoodproducts 18 Jul
  • Guys, can we bribe the Teen Choice Awards so Rebecca Black wins? I wanna see the Beliebers' heads explode! 18 Jul
  • The Times of London reports "Death of Phone-Hacking Whistleblower not Suspicious, Nothing to See Here, Carry On" 18 Jul
  • Showbiz News: In the next Austin Powers film Mike Myers will hand off the role of Dr. Evil to Rupert Murdoch 18 Jul
  • My life is stupid, this song is lame, if you are retching, then I'm to blame...I'm pitiful, I'm pitiful, I'm pitiful, quite so -James Blunt 19 Jul
  • I'm a weather nerd with a haboob fixation. 19 Jul
  • You guys don't understand why we nerds like Mila Kunis: not because she's hot (there are lots of hotties), but because she's a FEMALE GAMER! 19 Jul
  • Interesting to see so many girls ogling Neville's Longbottom. #HarryPotter 19 Jul
  • If any of you gals are future golddiggers, I recommend you study the juicy wiki page of a master: Murdoch's wife Wendi Deng. 19 Jul
  • Headline: Ninja wife Wendi Murdoch held for questioning in yesterday's mysterious death of #hackgate whistleblower Sean Hoare 19 Jul
  • Nothing gets between Wendi Murdoch and her husband's money. 19 Jul
  • Dammit, is this deodorant or sex repellent? 19 Jul
  • So embarassing for pie guy Jonnie Marbles, he got PWNED! By a GIRL! #piegate 19 Jul
  • #blackpeoplehobbies and #whitepeoplehobbies are using Twitter to discuss each other's hobbies 19 Jul
  • Anyone who thinks Twitter is disgusting wasn't around for Goatse. 20 Jul
  • Taking contributions to the "Send Bruno to Mars" fund. 20 Jul
  • Can one craft the epic Tweet? One that spurs mass enlightenment, levels power, and ends tyranny thus bringing peace and joy worldwide? Nah. 20 Jul
  • Give me a few billion and I'll gladly wipe pie off my face. 20 Jul
  • I'm glad they caught Osama. And they just caught his brother! On an airplane. Overhead bin Laden. 20 Jul
  • Soap in a Drum and the Janitor is You #honestlynamedproducts 20 Jul
  • My brother got VD so he asked the salon for a penicure. 20 Jul
  • So which gender is supposed to get turned on by shemales? 20 Jul
  • Newspaper tycoon Rupert Murdoch is 80. His wife Wendi Deng is 42, so their age difference works out to 7.6 billion dollars. 20 Jul
  • Mayonnaise is the bacon of condiments. 20 Jul
  • Bride of Frankenstein #ChrisBrownRomCom 20 Jul
  • No woman says, "You're filthy!" the way my mother did. 20 Jul
  • My iPhone stopped working when I tried to sink it. 21 Jul
  • Crap, another shitty thought pooped into my head. 21 Jul
  • Electronic Arts announced FOX News: Black Ops, where players conduct covert actions on disloyal staff, critics, & archrival Huffington Post 21 Jul
  • I was chatting up a woman when a dialog appeared saying "STRIKEOUT KING: Whiff on 500 pickup attempts!" #achievement 21 Jul
  • I was relaxing by the pool when a pop-up appeared saying "KING LEER: Creep out 12 female bathers!" #achievement 21 Jul
  • I was sleeping when a pop-up appeared saying "WET NAPS: Wet the bed on 3 consecutive nights!" #achievement 21 Jul
  • I was having a quiet evening at home when a pop-up appeared saying "BIGGEST LOSER: Spend 1000 nights alone!" #achievement 21 Jul
  • I thought I had a home run when a dialog appeared saying "NERF BAT: Suffer erectile dysfunction in the sack!" #achievement 21 Jul
  • Back later, heading off to the farm for the pick-your-own cow pies. 21 Jul
  • They laughed when I sat down at the keyboard, but when I started to sound came out. 21 Jul
  • Klout is a load of krap. 22 Jul
  • How long must I wait before I can check off the items on my TO-DON'T list? 22 Jul
  • After all these years the Emperor still has no clue. 22 Jul
  • Is there such a thing as a fat hipster? 22 Jul
  • Warning: Farting on a hot day may cause a brownout. 22 Jul
  • I though it was Bill Gates who said "140 characters ought to be enough for anybody." 22 Jul
  • Twitter has taught me two things: 1. Most women are afraid of spiders. 2. I got the wrong tattoo on my, you know...well, foot. 24 Jul
A Twitter feed of original jokes. Put some humor into your day with @FunFlood.
Studies show that laughter is healthy, so take time out for a cup of cheese, er, comedy!

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