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- Astronomers just discovered a moon orbiting Pluto—let's call it Goofy! 25 Jul
- Wow, I never noticed this writing on the sole of my foot. "Inspected by #1." I KNEW I was created by God! 25 Jul
- New reality show: People scent something and call the gas company to fix the leak. "Saved by the Smell" 25 Jul
- Didn't Lincoln's Gettysburg tweet start with "Foursquare and seven years ago...?" 26 Jul
- When I go to the beach I like to stuff my swimsuit full of seaweed so it looks like I have a bizarre body hair problem. 26 Jul
- Does anyone still get ring around the collar? 26 Jul
- You know who else changed their name? William Shitner. 27 Jul
- I think my problem is that my focus group has only 1 member. And that he laughs at any joke. And he's my dog. 27 Jul
- Bah! Bedbug! 27 Jul
- I tried Spanx for men but returned them and got my money back. I wore them ALL DAY and there was no pain, redness, or welting AT ALL! 27 Jul
- Got an emergency call from camp—my son escaped again. 27 Jul
- A great way to restore your sanity as a parent is through the liberal use of duct tape. 28 Jul
- Hey, catch you all later—on Wednesday nights I'm a regular at the brothel for the NuvaRing toss. 28 Jul
- So cute, my little nephew pronounces Eminem's name as En-em-a. 28 Jul
- There's just no sport in giving a babe a wedgie when she's wearing a thong. 28 Jul
- Black helicopters from the UN have been following me. High-tech miniature ones...oh, they're just flies. OMG, the UN uses flies now?!? 29 Jul
- Budget cuts at my son's high school. They combined shop class with sex ed—today they learned how to use a drilldo. Next week, the f*cksaw. 29 Jul
- Octomom's dining room was too small so she had the back yard redone as a feedlot. 30 Jul
- Octomom said the hardest part of raising a big herd of kids was getting them all branded. 30 Jul
- I long to meet my soulmate. To be so in synch with a woman that, without speaking, I'll just have the thought and she'll slap me. 30 Jul
- My son was born prematurely, just like the ejaculation that made him. 30 Jul
- He's on the warpath again, who pushed Benjamin's button? 30 Jul
- My wife was furious when I called her the N word. Nagger. 30 Jul
- Why did Barry Diller let his wife call him 'Fang?' 31 Jul
- I've advanced beyond eating in bed by using a bedpan to cook there, too. 31 Jul
- In 1894, Big Brother is dyslexic. 31 Jul
- I wonder if Tom Sizemore is compensating for anything. 31 Jul
- Shark Week on the Discovery Channel? Meh, give me Cougar Week on the Playboy Channel! 31 Jul
- Have you heard about the new website where you rate Twitter accounts? Bot or Not. 31 Jul
- What must we do to have Britney Spears serenade Chris Brown with "Hit me baby one more time?" 31 Jul
- My cousin won't eat potato skins—he says it's cruel how they club the baby potatoes. What an idiot, that's how they make mashed potatoes! 31 Jul
- This year the Discovery Channel is having Henry Winkler host Jump the Shark Week. 31 Jul
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